A not so good start

Posted originally in kojiberry.wordpress.com on 06/02/2013

I made this blog with the intention to write about more serious things and also about my projects (paintings etc), but I have been feeling down for a couple of days and cannot think about anything else.

It is about my job. For more than a year I have been working in an engineering company while finishing my PhD thesis. I don't like the job as I am doing the same thing every project, and the nature of the job does not allow me to learn new substantial things. I miss research and determined to find research jobs.

But economy is not doing very well at the moment, and research jobs is scarce to find. Lately, there are several positions that suit well with my background. I sent my cv to all positions, and last week I had an interview with one of those. The lucky person having the position will be leading research projects, so she/he will have people doing the experiments and analyses, and she/he will interpret the result and make reports and presentations. It sounds really good to me.

And I hear nothing after one week - I have enough experience with job-seeking that I know when the interview is going well, the company will take around 2 days to sent the feed back. So now I am 90% positive that I blew up the interview, and I cannot stop blaming my self.

When I finished doing an interview, usually I can feel if I would be accepted to the second round. With this one though, I could not - I feel some plus and minuses, but it is difficult to weigh what the final verdict will be. It was a rather tough interview as all the interviewers were experienced scientists and project managers. I am not really good in explaining what my ambition was and how I could manage conflict, partially because what I wanted is actually to be a professor and I always tried to prevent conflicts.

Everyday that I received no email, my hope was dying a bit. Now the hope is practically gone.

I am also not sure if I can still count on the other positions I applied for. These two other companies are larger companies and it could take a while before they can make any decisions.

So today I am back to zero, opening the websites for jobs, thinking about moving to another country or taking a postdoc. These two options are really not my favorite ones. I don't like to live too far from my in-laws, as I am already very far away from my family. And postdoc fellows were not treated nicely - you have to work harder than a PhD student, earn a little bit more, but having children, when you are a woman, can cost you the position as there is nobody to cover your back when you are away.

But dragging my body to the job I don't like is also not an option - I am really, really afraid that I will be staying here, letting my brain and research capability die as I am no longer practicing it.

Help.

I am rather desperate now, but I have to keep moving. This is not the last post with 'job-seeking' tag.