koji berry

koji berry

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Dream profession

If you have no worries about money and life, what profession are you going to choose?

Mine will include being an artist. A painter and playwright.
Today I read a piece of Anne Truitt's Daybook where she describes her daily life living in an artist community. She would woke up early, and work the whole day till dinner time. The work is only interrupted by the walk she did to pick up meals served by the community. She answer her letters at the evening before sleep.

This sound very romantic. Oh how I long to be able to work on one thing the whole day without being disturbed by house chores, groceries, and cooking! No emails and phones! I am an einzelgänger and I adore solitude.

It is easy to say that during my unemployment time, I could do such thing. But that is not true -  being between two jobs means being continuously alert if there is an vacancy that needs to be applied or a call from an agent asking if I was interesting in a job there-and-there. And dealing with the pressure and continuous question of whether I should take another similar job as the last one.

My worries of being an artist is 1) I am good in science and I feel that it is my obligation to use it for the greater good. I might be less useful if I was an artist. 2) I am not sure if I am good enough.

I actually wants to be a freelance researcher -  the one who works at home and delivers results, just like an artist with her commissioned work. But my field requires lab and expensive software, and the skills are difficult to develop without a proper laboratory/industrial environment.

Well, I will keep it in my heart. My focus now is on how to keep producing arts, focusing on illustration, amidst the other work of saving the world.

For further read on finding your calling, I recommend the book from Roman Krznarik, How to find a fulfilling job.

Friday, October 10, 2014

A paid day-job!

Yaayyy!!! I have a paid job!
My agent called me today at 5 pm to say that the research institute finally has made up her mind and agrees to spare some budget for me. The institute has left me hanging in there for a while.

It is a job in research about energy from wood gasification. This was not my first choice of research topic, but maybe other topics I like will not serve "the highest good". It is superstitious, I know.

This morning I chatted with an ex-colleague who worked at a company I applied for a while ago. I asked if there might be a position available. She said that she is not happy there and thinking seriously of leaving. She was sad because she might have to leave the country. And I was jealous on her!

Then I posted a request for "intention avalanche" on my facebook page. It is like a joint-intentions for people who struggle with their lives, unbeknownst to us.

To conclude the day:
Take a deep, long breath. Do not rush. Life is a marathon.

The prestigious companies with their beautiful labs are maybe not as shiny as they look like.

If people hurt you by their well-meant advice, critics, and pity, just smile and erase their words from your head as soon as possible. Forgive them. It takes wisdom to understand someone's pain, and most people are simply not capable to do so.

And even if people might hurt you, keep on communicating with friends because they might need your help. You are not the only person with problems.

Stay healthy and sane. Exercise and meditate. If everything else falls apart, at least we are fit enough to keep on moving.

May the force be with you.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

On Confusion and finding the address of God

I haven´t been blogging for a while, as my rants lately have too much desperate tone. I just kept them in my black Moleskine. I am in a pretty bad shape mentally due to the pressure of not having a day-job.

Today I feel slightly better, after being tortured since a few days ago about which path I should take. Concentrating on own project? Take any job offered by the agent? Back to education? I keep on thinking until my head hurts and my hands become cold. I also cried. Our financial situation, although still alright, shows that we need to be careful. I have quit working in cafes.

But tonight I received a help from above. I read an intriguing tweet from an Indonesian artist I considered as a sufi. The fact the he understands science make me like him even more. He said (freely translated):

"The address of money is God. People are struggling to find money while they have no idea what is money's address."

This is similar to what my friend has said, someone I considered as being on a good way to his spiritual enlightenment. So we need to find God first if we want to have money. We have to find God first .... yes! Matthew 6:33.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well".  "All these things" here refers to food and clothes mentioned in earlier verses.

How do I find the kingdom of God? I don't believe that merely doing charity and praying will bring me to there. I believe that we need to find the purpose of our life and walk through it. It is something that I have forgotten amidst the stress. And also I believe that the way to the kingdom of God depends on our situation.

Sign #1: The head of the passage is, "Do Not Worry". Ha! This fits my situation. I have been worrying too much these days that it brings me apart from God. And Sign #2: As the artist-sufi often said, "if you worry, you insult God". Jesus said similar thing.

And Sign #3 is that suddenly I am reminded about Ignatian Spirituality. According to this teaching, God is actual and plays role in our daily struggle. Ignatian Spirituality emphasizes discernment of spirits which is the ability to distinguish all elements of the "motions of the soul": thoughts, imaginations, emotions, inclinations, desires, feelings, repulsions, and attractions.

Spiritual discernment of spirits involves becoming sensitive to these movements, reflecting on them, and understanding where they come from and where they lead us.

My conclusions of today:
My way to the kingdom of God is by stopping to be worry. Meditation helps to let the Universe work with me. It also helps me in discernment of spirits. Small achievements help to stay optimistic. My small achievement is my daily writing on this blog, every night after Lrrr goes to sleep.

(I might also do the Spiritual Exercise. I can buy the app for it but I am rather reluctant to practice spirituality via my cellphone. I feel that gadget screen does not combine with soul-searching.)

Good night, and I wish peace and clarity of mind for you.