I haven´t been blogging for a while, as my rants lately have too much desperate tone. I just kept them in my black Moleskine. I am in a pretty bad shape mentally due to the pressure of not having a day-job.
Today I feel slightly better, after being tortured since a few days ago about which path I should take. Concentrating on own project? Take any job offered by the agent? Back to education? I keep on thinking until my head hurts and my hands become cold. I also cried. Our financial situation, although still alright, shows that we need to be careful. I have quit working in cafes.
But tonight I received a help from above. I read an intriguing tweet from an Indonesian artist I considered as a sufi. The fact the he understands science make me like him even more. He said (freely translated):
"The address of money is God. People are struggling to find money while they have no idea what is money's address."
This is similar to what my friend has said, someone I considered as being on a good way to his spiritual enlightenment. So we need to find God first if we want to have money. We have to find God first .... yes! Matthew 6:33.
"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well". "All these things" here refers to food and clothes mentioned in earlier verses.
How do I find the kingdom of God? I don't believe that merely doing charity and praying will bring me to there. I believe that we need to find the purpose of our life and walk through it. It is something that I have forgotten amidst the stress. And also I believe that the way to the kingdom of God depends on our situation.
Sign #1: The head of the passage is, "Do Not Worry". Ha! This fits my situation. I have been worrying too much these days that it brings me apart from God. And Sign #2: As the artist-sufi often said, "if you worry, you insult God". Jesus said similar thing.
And Sign #3 is that suddenly I am reminded about Ignatian Spirituality. According to this teaching, God is actual and plays role in our daily struggle. Ignatian Spirituality emphasizes discernment of spirits which is the ability to distinguish all elements of the "motions of the soul": thoughts, imaginations, emotions, inclinations, desires, feelings, repulsions, and attractions.
Spiritual discernment of spirits involves becoming sensitive to these movements, reflecting on them, and understanding where they come from and where they lead us.
My conclusions of today:
My way to the kingdom of God is by stopping to be worry. Meditation helps to let the Universe work with me. It also helps me in discernment of spirits. Small achievements help to stay optimistic. My small achievement is my daily writing on this blog, every night after Lrrr goes to sleep.
(I might also do the Spiritual Exercise. I can buy the app for it but I am rather reluctant to practice spirituality via my cellphone. I feel that gadget screen does not combine with soul-searching.)
Good night, and I wish peace and clarity of mind for you.